Just A Feeling
Despite all the drawbacks caused by the pandemic I have to admit that ever since the kids were born I have been feeling more happy in general. To set the stakes even higher, I have already been pretty damned happy ever since I met my wife several years earlier. Maybe it is because the kids fill me with hope that all is good and is steadily improving. Also they give a whole new purpose to everything in my life. I have only really had a few significant stretches where I felt so beaten down or lethargic, that I had issues to motivate myself. There were only three significant times I was struggling with my decisions and had serious doubts that I made the right choices.Freaking Out In The Barracks
The first time was in 1998, when I signed a contract as a contract soldier for 12 years. During my first couple of days with the military the magnitude of my decision sank with the utmost brutality. It totally freaked me out. I spent the first night in some spartan barracks in some forsaken place. Lying in my bed sharing the room with five other cadets I could not close my eyes for a minute - my mind was racing. It was only over the next few days when I got to know my roommates and the other cadets that my mind slowly found peace again. It took me several weeks, several to get to know each other and a friendship (that still holds) to acquire some confidence and the courage to embrace my new life as a soldier wholeheartedly. It sounds even crazier when I write about it now, some 22 years later.
The Feeling Of Growing Up
The second time I felt completely left to myself with my decisions in the past was upon my arrival at the Bundeswehr-University in Hamburg. The deal was simple: academic failure would result in catastrophe, as I would have had to fulfill my contract and serve four full years to be able to leave the military without any useful qualification for the private market. I was confident I would manage my studies ok. The only thing that seriously worried me is whether I would be able to motivate myself over 3.5 years to finish my studies. The timeline to finish studies was significantly more dense than on regular universities and we had little distraction - those days were before women were allowed in the Bundeswehr. Therefore spare time activities were very much biased towards whatever the hell guys in their early twenties do in the total absence of authority, duty and people potentially worth impressing (women). Thankfully I soon found out how to find balance between work (studies) and not work (friends and sports).
My Secret Formula For Change
The third and last time I felt deep loneliness and anxiety was in 2006 when I was assigned to a job within the military that required me to move to Cologne. It was all back to square one. The company that moved my belongings from southern Germany to Cologne somehow managed to delay the shipment by a week and therefore I slept on the floor of my two room apartment in my military sleeping bag without furniture. I felt that the new job at one of the highest commands within the German Bundeswehr, the mentality of the people in the Rheinland, the demographic and the general mindset of my new colleagues, were all very demanding. Not only was I the 'new guy' but in my late twenties I was one of the 'young and dynamic' members of staff at my new unit. Therefore some of the more senior colleagues made sure I was regularly reminded of these facts and where my place in the non-existing pecking order was meant to be. At this time however I had already had a similar experience twice, which gave me an unbreakable fool's confidence from the start. I knew that as soon as I would be able to get to know people who I could trust I would find a way to win the game - again. The secret formula to picking myself up and pulling myself out of the darkest bottom of a hole has always been about people, relations and trust.
The Darkness Within
Generally I feel happy and grateful for the fact that things have turned out well for me. I have people who I love and who love me - also two cats who sometimes return my love and absolute admiration for them too. I am healthy and just as importantly the people I love are healthy. I have been able to be part of an extraordinary professional journey and get to know enthusiastic and engaging people from all over the world.
All the terrific things that happened to me in my life are the reasons for general confidence and happiness. But sometimes a lurking darkness creeps into my mind. The more positive things keep happening to me the more reason for anxiety I perceive as well. I feel that at some point I might look back at this time in my life as 'the best years'. I try not to paint the future neither too bright nor too dark. This anxiety is one of the reasons why I feel I need to give back something. I've done well and I'm ok. I hope other people will also do well and will also be ok. Wouldn't it be awesome if I could help someone, even just one single person on earth? Help some tiny bit to do better and to be better?
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